Saturday (May 24)

8am call to check in with the nursery:
Nurse Becky-Ollie has moved to the other side of the nursery. They got a new baby in that was sick and our lil moose of the ICU was the easiest to move to the slightly healthier side. lost 5grams, they would like to see more. very sleepy. small seizure like movements on occasion. Carbon dioxide was a lil on the high side. His nurse only reported what had changed negatively. I think to myself and tell my husband to keep in mind she is a weekend nurse. She doesn't know Ollie. She hasn't seen the miracles that he has done already. At the same time my heart is kinda sad. If I had brought in his milk every couple hours and told him I loved him and that he was doing good, maybe he wouldn't be doing the seizure like movements. It's so hard not to analyze every little thing. I have a feeling this weekend will be a little rocky as far as staff goes. I hope that the doc that's on this weekend is similar to Dr. Korti. I love her. She's just straight up. We pass her in the halls of the hospital and she smiles so warm. She too wants to see him get better-she is excited to do his EEG this Wednesday and knows it will be better.

It's raining outside. It hasn't rained in Roseville since February. We are in a stage one drought with the city asking people to not water anything, let their plants die. Restaurants are not serving water. The lakes and rivers are the lowest on record-some of them ever. There are fires all over California. The Governor has declared a state of emergency. And it's raining. I told Oliver the day he was born that one day he would be right as rain. I love the rain. The trains and the rain, and the happy sounds of my four year old. If I close my eyes for just a minute, and try real hard, it almost seems normal in my home. For just a minute. Almost.

It's 830. I wanted to leave at 800. We likely won't get out of here til 900. I have to go hurry things along a little bit. I am itchy to see my littlest boy.

Update: It's late Saturday night. Actually the wee hours of Sunday morning. I just want to cry as I write this update. When I arrived at the hospital this morning, I ran to see my baby boy. He was sleeping on his tummy with his little butt up in the air. He was happy and content. I stroked his back, met his nurse in person, who gave me the full rundown and I decided I liked her more in person than on the phone. Her next question was "do you want to hold your son?" My jaw nearly hit the floor. I ran to let my husband and Ryan say good morning so that I could take my time. I am shaking inside with excitement. After my husband says good morning and gets his check in, he returns with Ryan to the waiting room and I go scrub back into the nursery. I take off my shirt so there is as little as possible between my baby and me. They put up a privacy screen even though I was in my bra, just so we could cuddle and not feel stared at. Will's mom comes by for a quick visit then my mom and brother. Mom brought a camera...so I'd like to show you my baby boy with his mama for the first time since birth~

His head and face are still very bruised. But his oxygen tube is out and I got to cuddle with him. I asked him today to work on his swelling, and he did. By the end of the day he had lost 4 ounces and is nearly back down to his birth weight. He continues to need help with breathing (a little oxygen not just room air), and takes many medications, including the phenol barbatol to prevent seizures. He will likely come home on that for a few months. Did I already sayt that somewhere? oh well, sorry if it's repeat info. He is able to stabilize him temperature very well. He is near stabilizing his blood sugar. He has some odd body movements at times, and there is wonder if it is from damage that was done or if it is just his muscles and nerves "coming back online" and working.

The other most awesome news of the day: Oliver had his first feeding today. They attempted a bottle of my milk, but he cannot coordinate suck, swallow, breathe, which at times I'm not sure I can coordinate myself these days, so I totally understand. So a tube was placed down his throat and is taped to his chin that he receives his feedings in. He is not happy about it in his mouth because it pins his tongue down, and he was very much enjoying licking and sucking his hand and pacifier prior to the tube placement. But, they couldn't place it through his nose because of the breathing tube. So, Ollie is at a bit of a stand still now until he masters breathing and can get that tube moved. We can attempt to go straight from tube feedings to the breast if I am able to arrange to be at the hospital full time when that time comes...which may be as early as Tuesday/Wednesday. He is under the bilirubin lights as his bili levels were 13, which isn't that high, but with breast milk, it may go up a little, or not, depends, but the doc wants to see it just go down to at least 10. I am sure it's because it's the weekend doc, because Dr. Korti said she didn't care as long as it was under 17 he was handling it fine. It's hard to have such discrepancies in care, and in opinion of care. But a stupid blue light is not a battle worth fighting for me. We ride out the staff til the weekend is over...and Ollie looks like a rock star with a little mask covering his eyes shaped like sunglasses, and a huge blue light giving him a tan. Wonder when his pedicure is scheduled for...

He will see a speech therapist on Tuesday (no he's not gonna talk yet) she will assess his sucking muscles, tongue ability and make sure there is nothing preventing him from self feeding on mama's breast. He will also be doing an MRI any day now I expect, which I ask for much prayer on, not just the results, but it will require them putting him under general anesthesia for the 45 minute scan...that's always scary when it's an infant. And then his repeat EEG is still coming up on Wednesday, and although we all know at this point we will see massive improvement, I just have this suppressed hope that Ollie will blow the Doctors out of the water and show us the definition of a true miracle...

For now my vast family of praying and hoping friends....this mama is exhausted. I return to my son's side tomorrow morning, this time alone (yeah, pray for my directionally dysfunctional self as I negotiate that trip) as my husband is spending some MUCH needed time with our four year old Ryan. We tried to spend some time this evening NOT talking about the baby and just focusing on Ryan. He loved it. As he drifted off to sleepy land, he said he was really mad at daddy for not waking him up when the baby came out. We didn't try to explain that decision...(I was screaming and would have terrified him, and the baby was so sick instantly that we couldn't even call him in right after birth) it was my bad for making an unrealistic promise. But we did validate that we were sorry, and he can be mad about that, it's okay. He felt better after that and we told there were other things that he could do that were very important about the baby. We told him that when Ollie comes home, he will need to wear his own clothes and not the hospital's clothes for him, he needs healthy baby clothes. We asked Ryan if he would chose and outfit from Ollies drawer, and his face lit up. When the time comes, that will be Ryans job. It feels good to validate and reconnect with my other children...The older boys are at their bio dads through Monday, but Will called them today and gave them lots of happy news about the baby, and checked into their world. He and Jacob talked a long time on the phone and smoothed things over a bit. Things feel like they will return to somewhat normal. Thank you for the prayers and good thoughts around my other kids too, it's hard to reach balance when a family member is in ICU. But I feel like we are nearing that goal. We are going grocery shopping so there is food for all the kids when they get home, and so I can pack lunches as we have been living on the hospital cafeteria salad bar and are both sick of it. We are getting about 5-6 hours sleep at night (mine of course interrupted by pumping) but it sure helps with the zombie factor. Boy do I miss those lazy, pregnant afternoon naps with Ryan curled around my swollen belly. But, I feel almost human again now. So off for the first three hour stretch of sleep...more updates tomorrow...

~Keep prayin! It's workin! God and Ollie are one amazing team~

Randi Fay