Ollie was more responsive tonight, awake and not happy with the world. His nurse is young and was having a hard time with all his wires and IV's. At the hospital where Ollie is, if you pay attention, you can hear the sound of a baby mobile being played over the loudspeaker every once in a while. You know, the kind you see dangling toys over a kids head in a crib...they all play the same tune. It took me hearing it a few times to ask what it was...I figured it was a visitor must leave warning or quiet hour in the nursery or something. I was told it was played every time a baby was born into that hospital. How cute. For a couple days it was cute. You'd hear it and get this vision of a perfect little being entering the world screaming and pissed, and happy parents crying, and a happy family shooting pictures up a storm. After two days, it's not so cute anymore. You start to resent all the normal happy families. It's not fair. I shared this with a friend today and how I drift off to sleep sometimes and hear the mobile music and it warps into this melting freaky wind up clown music in my head and I wait to hear an Ozzy Osbourne song come blaring to life. She said "maybe not all the babies they play that for are healthy" We laughed at how mean that was to think, but it was kinda funny. When you are sleep deprived, it's like Saturday Night Live all the time. The dumbest things make you laugh. Someone walked by with toilet paper on their shoe. I laugh/snorted.
Two infants came into Ollies room today. One was newborn and left after an hour or two. One was transferred in from another hospital. Another one of Ollies roommates left and was graduated to Nursery C. We are in Nursery B. He started in A. I guess we need Ollie to get F's to come home. Never thought I'd ask one of my kids to get F's.
The nurse gave me free reign to pick up Ollie whenever I want. She said I don't have to ask anymore. I can't tell you what that feels like as a mom. First we couldn't even touch him. Now I can hold him whenever I see him. We sat in the sterile sheet covered rocker again tonight. I whisper my dreams to this kid. I ask him to keep trying and tell him how much I love him. His cries are so sweet. He sounds like a baby kitten. It's not loud at all. He's such a mellow guy. He just complains these little squeaks and mews. He was much more sucky on his pacifier and is taking his milk well-but still on a lower dose. It's just a small tummy. His blood sugar is so great that he now gets his heels pricked only once every six hours for testing instead of three. The poor kids heels...I can't describe, it makes me really sad. I had to ask the nurse to not prick his heel while I was holding him. I don't want to be associated with anything ouchie.
As I talked to Ollie tonight he really thought about opening his eyes. He was so determined and working those eyebrows up and down up and down. The lids are sticky from being swelled shut, and he's really having to work it alot to get them going. They haven't parted yet, but he's so close. It's like he's staring at my face with his eyes closed. His little mouth forms the shape when you make an "oo" sound. He's trying so hard. I was an hour late in leaving when I wanted to go because he was so close to looking at me and he was so active. I felt bad going when I did. But I hope tomorrow...err later today that he is more and more active. He's just always so so sleepy. I know newborns are sleepy but this kid is stunned and I mean...sleepy.
I drove home in the dark. I drove down the street that I have driven every day this year to take my older son to school. Those days seem like months ago. This town seems like New York to me. That routine, those old rituals...I miss them. I miss my old life. Ollie was going to fit into my life, and now I am fitting into this crazy unplanned life...I'm tired. This is exhausting. I think I may force myself to sleep in just a little bit. I'm so tired. I don't want to crash my car or drop Ollie when Im holding him or some stupid mistake to add guilt to my pile. I hear the wind in the trees outside and my trains. The same trains that I think I passed near Ollies hospital today, or at least I'd like to think they drive by my house and continue down past his hospital...some kind of link to my little boy so far away from home in so many ways...
2 comments:
I will be brief as I want you to sleep. You are an incredible journalist. A career in the making I think. We had a wonderful opportunity to read the insightful feelings that you share. I am in awe at your expressions and so happy that you are putting it in words. This will help you so much. Throughout each day we sing Oli his song" We are sending you light, to heal you , to hold you. We are sending you light to hold you in love." I will play it for you sometime. It is by Besty Rose. I had an ah ha this morning that you can consider using with him. When he was in tummy he had to be very careful to not move or do anything that may make things worse for him. So now you can share with him that he is safe out here. That he can now expand. That his lungs can expand, he is safe to see, to hear, to breath and to live. That it is good for him to open his hands and explore the world. I am looking at my schedule to offer you times to come and sit with him so you can take a nap or go home for a time. I want you to clearly know that no one is a substitue for you. You are his mom and he loves you and knows that. When I have the opportunity to sit with him I will do some wonderful work with his body and spirit to help with that expansion. Fortunately it is so subtile that staff wont know. You are an incredible woman Randi. Be good to yourself and understand that you will know exactly what to do to balance life and to give him all he need as well as your other children. Help them by letting them know you are so grateful for their sacrifice of you and that it will be a few weeks of really pitching in as a family to help each other so you can be with Oli as much as possible. Now go to sleep. As you settle in you might say that you are so happy and grateful for this rest and that you will feel rested when you wake up.
We are with you all day and night in our hearts. Love Kaleem
It makes me so happy to hear about his progress every day. I can just picture his little eyes trying to open and imagine what it's going to be like when they do. This little man wants to live and thrive so much, he gives me strength and joy when I've never even seen him or any of your family. Thank you so much for sharing his story with is.
(GiGiQ)
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