End of the day...day 8

Well, Ollie lost another ounce. No big deal, he has plenty to spare. He is down to 8lbs 11oz. Probably just more of that water/swelling he had going on. His legs are starting to look normal size. I can't believe now when I look at him how swollen he was. He was worse than I was when I was pregnant...and that's saying something.

He had a little spit up tonight. All babies do that. But when your baby is in ICU you over analyze everything. What does it mean that he spit up? Is his feeding tube gagging him again? Did he choke? Was the food to much? Is he not tolerating it? Is he getting sick? The nurse puts her hand on my shoulder and says "no. he just spit up." oh. okay. He just spit up. Oh yeah, babies spit up. We changed his clothes and sheets together as a team, tackling his spaghetti noodle soup of wires and cords as we changed him.

This morning before I left my house, my four year old Ryan comes to me with his newest creation made of large legos...
Ryan: "Mama, mama, mama, mama, look what I made!!!"
Me: "wow, that's a great job Ryan, you did that yourself? Is it a hideout for your Ninja turtles?"
Ryan: "no"
Me: "oh, is it a castle?"
Ryan: "no"
Me: "I know, it's a house."
Ryan: *sigh* "no mom, it's just a wall."
Me: ...

Sometimes, it's just a wall. Sometimes, it's just spit up.

I hope Dr. Korte is the doc there tomorrow. Doctor Doomsday was on tonight so I avoided all Doctor directed questions. Ollie gets test results tomorrow and he has his MRI, which I can accompany him to, right up to the room he'll go in. I'll be chatting with the anesthesiologist first as I don't want him over sedated and put back on the breathing machine. I'm scared of a set back in the breathing department. I most certainly do NOT want Dr. Doomsday giving me test results. With his beautiful bedside manner I may just puke in his lap. He loves to start conversations with words like "don't be happy yet" or "he hasn't escaped death" ...luckily he hasn't started any conversations with me. I have been able to duck his doomsday radar.

Dr. Korte wants the head of Ollies bed tipped up, it helps him digest, and helps the swelling stay away from his head. Not that he's swelling up more, but I do so like it tipped up. He has the same nurse tonight he did last night, and the same day nurse signed up to take him as her assignment tomorrow. She's a little bit loud, but she's really good about talking to him and asking him if she can touch him and thanking him for working with her. I like that alot. He's not just man handled and ignored. I like this whole idea of talking to babies as if they understand you and can chose to listen and participate...because it's true! The nurses are amazed when he gets upset if I lean down and talk to him and tell him what's going on how he calms immediately. He's just scared of the next procedure or poke. The ICU is all he has known. I'm going to have to routinely set off the fire alarm at home so the poor kid feels safe...there are constantly buzzers and alarms and beeps going off.

Ollie shares his room now with two babies that are just over 2 pounds. There is also a set of twins in the room that share a bed. You could fit them both in your purse. They are so tiny and yet they are so strong. I heard a couple days ago about the smallest patient on the floor. He's 14 ounces. Could you imagine? Preterm-I think they said 22 weeks? It's amazing to see these little kids. And the moms show up and tuck them under their shirts and hold them, just like I do Ollie and they drop their mouths open and snore, safe on mama's chest...just like Ollie. Someone mentioned how it's insane that people can get abortions up to 24 weeks pregnant. What a sobering thought in an ICU full of growing babies born before 24 weeks, who are wanted so badly by their parents, and loved so much. They have all the little parts my Ollie does, and the spirit to live and grow and thrive. They are truly miracles, each and every one.

Every day that goes by some amazing thing happens behind those sterile doors. Someone breathes their first unassisted breath. Someones heart beats for 24 hours with no help. Someone feeds of their mama's milk. Someone a mere one pound in size survives heart surgery. Someone sleeps all night without stopping breathing. Someone pees. Someone poops. Someone beats an infection. Someone grows the right amount and finally gets to be the someone who goes home. A staff off 200 nurses, and 6 neonatologists, therapists, social workers, and countless others from xray and scanning technicians to the janitor who comes in as quiet as a mouse every day in sterile uniform and silently mops the floor and wipes down the equipment as she steals a peek at the tiny creatures living in plastic boxes. They all witness the tiniest of giant miracles.

Yes mom and Kaleem, I am going to bed right now. And I did eat dinner. Alfredo noodles and green beans. I drank my water, almost all my tea and took every single one of my vitamins. I'll do my best to sleep in an extra hour and head for the hospital at 9 instead of 8. Thanks for caring about me so much. I love you guys :)
Randi Fay