So close

It's as if I will step out of this tunnel into the daylight again. I am forever changed, in some ways broken by this whole experience, but broken in a way that allows me new insight, a vast expansion of knowledge of the medical field and it's workings, and an insecurity about how completely overestimated the whole system is. Where does one little soul like me fit into this scene? Can I ever make a difference here? Will I be able to honor my heart in a place like this? All questions I ponder...and thus the silence lately. But that is another post.

Today Oliver has had his nose tube removed, his blood sugar maintains. His IV drip is now void of sugar and is only water to keep the line open. I taste freedom. I fear another set back as if it is the black plague lurking around the corner. Can it be the troll has looked away for just a moment and we may make our escape? Tick tock...time will tell. We nurse, we wait, we watch the clock and we pray that Ollie can maintain. They speak of a 6 hour fasting test before he can come home. I am done with tests. My little boy has exceeded their every wish. I will not subject him to anymore. He has nursed and maintained his sugar levels since Thursday at 430pm. Tommorrow morning I will look at Dr. K, steady in the eye, and I will ask her to discharge my son. I will not waiver. I will not shake. I will not take another delay. I am grateful for all that has been done for him, I know he is a miracle. We have all basked in it. But it's time, for me, my baby, and our family to reunite at home and begin another kind of healing. It's time.

I am set to spend night number 3 in the parking lot of Sutter Memorial. I lay in the back of my van and the huge maple trees blow in the breeze allowing sweet sunshine down on my nest in the back. My alarm is set for two hours so I can go check and nurse my sweet boy. I stink. I ran home for a fast shower. I forgot to brush my teeth. I feel like one of those hippies that lives in a tree and refuses to shave or shower until Tibet is free. I don't care anymore about how the house looks or if everything is in it's perfect place. I just want to take my baby home now. So I nod off in my tree-hoping and praying that Tibet will be free soon! Let's pray this baby home...we are so close...it is so time. I hope my next post is full of sweet victory and the opening of a new chapter in this story of our lives. It's time for a new beginning...