Yes, we live!

Yes, I admit, I have lagged big time. After receiving several emails to confirm I have not dropped off the planet's edge, I decided I better come out of hiding. I'm actually kinda glad for the accountability. I must confess, I am beginning to land more and more in the space of reality. Being in ICU was painstaking on so many levels and seemed like a personal hell-well, it was a personal hell. Coming home felt like it should have been the end. It felt like heaven in contrast. A huge step in the opposite direction. I expected follow ups and an entire medical team and as was promised they are assessing and following what at first seemed like every breath.

Things have died down a lot, the excitement, the chaos, the appointments, the questions, the paranoia. But it seems at times like I am still in the freakish vice of the ICU waiting room. Caught in between worlds. Sometimes late at night, the moonlight sneaking in the crack of the bedroom window casts a shadow just so onto my bed, and I see the face of my baby not as he is laying there in dreamland, but swollen and bruised laying in his bed in the hospital. I dread waking him, but I have to pick him up and hold him close and say all my prayers of gratitude over again. I have to readjust his little body in the silken moonlight and see how beautiful he really is, perfect and whole. I stroke his peachy soft skin and ponder how we ever managed to stumble through such a huge ordeal. I still feel lucky, I also still hold my breath in anticipation of the other shoe dropping. I still have feelings of anger and sadness, I still get mad sometimes and want to just kick something. Sometimes I look at his baby book or come across an old picture and my eyes tear up seemingly out of no where. Sometimes I feel ripped off from the deviation of my oh so normal plans. I still haven't compiled all his pictures. This blog is the closest thing to a baby book I have right now. And as far as keeping track of all his measurements and such, they are all written in his medical records that I am supposed to keep track of here at home. It's not a cute little baby book. And I don't long for it to be so much anymore, I just long for the ability to accept it all. It is his story, and as I have said from the beginning it is what it is and I love and cherish it for that. Time doesn't stop and wait for you to be ready to move on...you just do. I guess acceptance and willingness are two different things. One comes with the desire for it, one comes entirely on it's own accord.

Oliver is well. He skipped rolling from front to back which is easiest and just began rolling from back to front. He is excellently skilled at grabbing and holding almost any object you hand him and is getting faster and now snagging things that pass by for a closer inspection (mama's toothbrush was the latest). He hasn't yet gotten to hands and knees, but he does seem to scootch around a bit pushing with arms or legs. He loves to pull out his pacifier and replace it with a thumb. He sucks and chews and grins so big at me as if to say "see what I can do?" He loves his thumbs. He drools like a Saint Bernard in front of a steak constantly and I am certain a tooth is due to come in at any given moment, but there is none on the horizon as far as I can tell.

The drool has also made way for the discovery of loads of baby noises, raspberrys and gurgles. He continues to kick those leggies, alternating them and then together, and has found that in the bath is the best place to do so as it elicits lovely shrieks and other such responses from mama. Jumping scores high on the fun list. He is ticklish all over, and either my mother and I have delicious face cream, or he can now give big wet open mouth face kisses. He also nuzzles into me giving cuddles and huggies, and often now shows a shy streak! Mama milk is still his only food, and I enjoy the plan of allowing him to lead in the decision to try solids. He is still steadily growing and on track. I am still producing enough to suppliment a bit for 3 other babies and keep a good stash on hand for "urgent needs" of local newborns whose mamas are having lactation start up issues. It's good to be healthy and blessed enough give back in our own special way!

Life is a little stressful in general right now. My only sibling hastily moved out of town for a job. I am happy for him, but...guilt guilt guilt... lol I will miss him. The big oaf. Will is out of town five days a week and working in town on the sixth day. To make matters more difficult we made the hasty decision to extend a hand to family again and have his 7 month pregnant sister, her 9 month old daughter and husband living here for a month. ARGH! I cannot put to words how unaccustomed I am to communal living, let alone in the absence of my husband and with the--lets say prior resentments--I have due to certain peoples behavior around my labor and ICU stay.. Many days of late I want to hide in my room with all of my children. On a positive note, I am learning better communication, and how to set boundaries with seemingly boundary less people. I feel as if that is all I do sometimes and am not sure if that makes me a picky b-word or if it means some people are just extremely unmannered. I suppose it doesn't really matter as long as I am not homicidal. As good as it feels to set boundaries down a double barrelled shotgun, I have learned that at that point I let it go to far. I have to say something, anything, much sooner than my gut wants to allow. It requires forethought! How many days are left in this month?

At least Will agreed that our priority now is just our family for a while after this. We have only been in this house for only a year, we have experienced all of the following in both of our families over the last 12 months: moving, moving, moving, divorce, babies like mad, of course Ollie's ordeal, kids in new schools, no work, then out of town work, an overdose that neared fatality, and friends needing a "place to stay"- temporarily of course-which never is as short as promised. All of that alone is insanity. We have to close our doors and just love on eachother for a while...less there be none left to give. Thank God he can see that now.

Now on another note...perhaps it was fate-blame it on technology. I subscribed to netflix. It opened the door to a world I had not yet ever explored...documentaries. Oh boy. I recently watched quite a beauty called Sicko by Michael Moore. I can see the grin on some of your faces now. Nothing has so beautifully illustrated my new found disgust of managed health care and hospitals in this country. No matter the contemplating, I cannot seem to find where I fit into all of this. I received in the mail two diplomas this month. One in biological sciences and the other in my general education. They will not go to waste, but they will be refocused. I have pondered and chewed on a decision long before I even became pregnant with Ollie and now I wonder if I need to finally fully allow myself to take the risk and follow that dream to fruition. It has very little to do with Nursing and nothing to do with mainstream medical practice. ...more on that later I suppose.

Are you scanning?

Did I catch you?

Would you like me to show you some pictures? Okay enough chatter...here's some baby fun!

My sweet Ryan Tyler turned FIVE!!!

Four months:

New Toys!

Chewing and Chewing and Chewing!

My Gamers... :3~

"My mom IS the paparazzi"...(see the eyebrow?)

A little closer and he'll grab it! He's taunting me.

Baybeh feets and Baybeh hands...mmm

Here comes the giggles...

Time for some close ups!

And lastly some adorable pics of Ollie sucking his thumb in his new ring sling. I must add a shameless plug for the sweet mama named Hope who makes these slings at home as a second income-She is so sweet and puts her heart and quality work into these slings! If you ever want one, please consider her. She'll even help you learn to use it! www.myspace.com/daryon Here's my lil peek-a-boo thumb sucker!

Love to all!!!