I am sitting outside our house. Yeah, I'm a vidiot. Laptop, on my lap, great connection through the house wall behind me. So what's the big deal? We are camping and I'm supposed to be techno free. Yeah Im cheating. I couldn't help it.
Little Ollie is at my feet in his Moses basket. Bradley is pouting. (someone always has to pout, for one reason or another-today it's Bradley). Jacob and Ryan and trying to figure out how to pitch three tents which connect together via tunnels (they don't realize I have the directions). There is a slight breeze and the temp has dropped to 88 degrees. Sure is better than the 100s we have been in. My doggies are sleeping ...not on the ground but on our camp chairs. My husband (God help us all) is building a camp fire.
The perks of backyard camping? 1. Me and the baby get a Cal King bed all to ourselves. 2. Hot showers. 3. Music you like all night long without the car battery going dead. 4. Inside cooked food...outside. 5. Smores-with cold milk. 6. It's FREE. 7. You can be lazy about putting away your gear or "checking out."
We are enjoying this backyard camping idea so much, this weekend the boys and I are going to camp in my moms backyard. The perks of the mammy's backyard? All of the above, plus...a pool!
Other projects I have decided to work on, now that I can see my feet and am not suffering from pregnancy exhaustion...a garden. Any vegetable we can think of. If anyone reading is local and has baby plants they are wanting to donate-let me know! The kids and parents are enjoying outside so much, we may actually get to know eachother again. Imagine that.
I just looked up...Ryan found the door to the tent and is happily playing inside the largest one. um...it's still flat on the ground though. Dad to the rescue. Should I give up the directions? Naw, this is too much fun.
Little Ollie has found the bumper pad that is stitched to the sides of his basket so the weave doesn't scratch up his skin. He has managed to grasp ahold of it and pull it down to snuggle his little face into it. He is grinning ear to ear with adorable dimples on both sides. He kicks his little leggies one then the other and flares his little toes. He just works all of his body like a normal little baby.
I'll end this post with a little story. Last night I laid in the dimness of our bedroom. I was facing Ollie side to side while he had some mama milk in his sleep. The bedroom has a dimmer switch and I keep it just low enough to change diapers in the night or aim some food in the gaping mouth that screams for milk while Im half awake. I was staring at the amber glow. I was having a moment of gratitude, for so many things it will take a whole post to list them all. I could hear the trains outside as always, and the breeze blowing through the neighbors trees....
SLAP!!!!! I got nailed on the cheek by the tiniest of hands. I tilt my head and refocus in the dark to find these giant wide blue eyes intently staring at my face. Little feet start kicking in excitement. His hand slides down and he's holding his mama milk with both hands while he eats. He quits eating for just a minute and grins at me so big in the dark a whole mouth full of milk spills down onto the sheets. I couldn't help but giggle. If that wasn't an "I love you" I don't know what is. I told him I loved him too...and we nursed and cooed and drifted off to sleep together. At least for a couple hours. :) Those are moments to live for. Baby I love yous.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Normal Normal Normal
Has it really been a week since I updated? Geeze how time is flying! Well...no pictures this time. I have managed to burn out a power cord on yet another lap top (*blush*) and am back to my old stand by-slow, but functional.
Monday Ollie saw the neurologist that saw him in ICU. It was a crazy drive. It was one exit down from the hospital where Ollie was. It hit too many nerves for me-brought me back a bit. I was anxious to see the doctor. He last saw Ollie at about 2 weeks old. Hes the one who ordered two EEG's and an MRI. He is also the doc who said "this is not the Matrix, these kids dont dodge bullets..." However, he is really a sweet man...a big teddy bear. I wish he could have been Ollies primary doc in ICU, but that's another rant I will leave rest for today. I had done some research on this guy in advance-he specializes in treatment of Autism and seizure disorders. He is known for using unconventional methods of treatment-imagine that. He uses FDA approved meds, but often they are made for other issues and he has seen them work for treating autism symptoms. He has a 15 year old step daughter with autism and a 13 year old son, who is normal. He not only is a highly respected professional with Sutter, but is a teacher with UCDavis and also works with the MIND institute (who denied Ollie-due to lack of capacity-they are slammed full). Anyway, it made me a little more excited to see him again, out of the ICU setting and have him all to myself for an hour.
Anyway, we started off with a regular exam. Ollie weighed in at 11 pounds 3 oz. Good weight gain. Small for his age-we'd expect around 14 ish-especially for my babies...but he's gaining and thriving and I love having one that stays in his 0-3 month clothes longer than two weeks. He's 22 and a quarter inches. I never write down head circumference, so those of you keeping track...lol...sorry! Anyway-all kinds of reflex tests and exams. Lots of questions. He was very gentle with Ollie which means alot to me. He kinda made me laugh talking in a baby speak voice and cooing at Ollie. It was such an awesome relaxing appt. Which was good-I needed the calm down. The results of the whole visit. "It sure seems that your son has dodged a huge bullet. We really honestly don't see this very often, it's really neat to see him and play with him and he's so normal." My eyes just welled with tears and I silently thanked God and all the powers that be, once again. He did mention that Ollie very well could show minor this's and that's as time goes on. But he looked so good that the doc doesn't really see the point in doing any more testing for now. Not unless some odd symptoms show up that we want to pinpoint and start treating.
We talked about immunizations. I flat out asked him about delaying them and to my absolute surprise he said yes. He told me which ones we should get and which we should delay. Many he said to put off until age two. The ones he recommends we do not wait for he said to get them at the end of the window. So if it says first shot between 2 and 4 months...to wait til four months. That felt so good to me. It was something I wanted to do anyway-no hit Ollie up with five shots containing up to 11 vaccines all at once. Having neurologist in that corner with me feels good. He ended our visit with giving me a schedule to wean Ollie off the phenobarb. He hasn't had any evidence of seizures and really doesn't need to be on prevention anymore. He gave me signs to watch for if Ollie is having a seizure. He said it'll be pretty obvious, not like when an newborn has a seizure and it's so subtle. Honestly I really don't think the one seizure on record at 8 hours old was really in fact a seizure. It was witnessed by only a nurse-and it was one episode and then he was slammed onto the max dose of phenobarb. But, who am I to argue. (what?!) Really, why risk it...so we've not fought the phenobarb. But it is a pain in the butt to get down the poor kiddo, so I'm glad to see it go-no more pumping and mixing and coaxing with a bottle. We were done!
So, until November-we left his office-with a normal baby.
That was Monday. By Tuesday night I was certain my angel was possessed. I hadn't slept hardly at all and Ollie was trying to tear the ears out of his head. Not to mention we are still fighting thrush. Tis an evil fungus it is. I reluctantly put in a call to the pediatrician. In all honesty, I think Ollie has been fighting ear infections a week or two. He really tugs on those ears. I have been just riding it out, as many times kids really don't need antibiotics...and with thrush...the last thing I want to do is systemically kill bacteria which are helping battle thrush. But, my already sleep deprived body was now desperate. The doc got us in first thing today (Wednesday). I was afraid. Afraid he'd push immunizations and circumcisions and give me crap about Ollies phenobarb like he did last time. But I was more afraid of losing yet another nights sleep.
The pediatrician that walked into the office this morning was not the man I saw five weeks ago. He was in body of course. But not in spirit. He was warm and friendly and ....he smiled. Perhaps it was I who was different. Having now seen many docs, regional referral coordinators, home health nurses, and developmental specialists...I have calmed down a bit. These people are less demanding and controlling than when your baby is "admitted" under their care. He's under my care. These people seem to at least acknowledge if not respect that. It also helps that Ollie is now nine weeks old. The last record in his chart is not fresh from ICU. It's a somewhat normal chart history.
So, anyway...Ollie has no ear infections. Yea...I was surprised. And he didn't see any symptoms of thrush on Ollie. The good news is Ollie seems to have found out how to grab his ears with those little hands. The bad news is...it doesn't feel so good and makes him cry. No thrush visible in Ollie is good...but doesn't remove the fact that it's on me-and we are still trying to fully get rid of it. It just hangs on. The pediatrician said this may be the case for a few months. Lovely. I keep taking my home remedies for it. Ollie doesn't seem to mind that part at all-it just makes me a bit sore. No talk of circumcisions, no talk of immunizations. "Your baby is normal, go home and nap." Also of note: our little Monkey gained 11oz in 48 hours and is tipping the scales toward 12 lbs already... All right! Did I mention smallness, and clothing fitting? Jinxed myself! We stopped by to see the Mammy (my mom) who works in the same building. She got a good 15 minute snuggle from Ollie and loads of hugs from the other kids. (thanks to Natalia who covered for her-sorry if I spelled the name wrong) They are such sweet ladies, it makes you wanna hang out in that office all day.
On the way home we stopped by a gently used childrens stuff store, and bought a little vibrating baby chair. Ollie seems to be in heaven this afternoon-and I can update my blog. Hopefully I can get a little sleep in tonight. Things a normal mama with a normal baby would wish for. I'll try and get more pics and an update in sooner this week ;) Take care all!
Monday Ollie saw the neurologist that saw him in ICU. It was a crazy drive. It was one exit down from the hospital where Ollie was. It hit too many nerves for me-brought me back a bit. I was anxious to see the doctor. He last saw Ollie at about 2 weeks old. Hes the one who ordered two EEG's and an MRI. He is also the doc who said "this is not the Matrix, these kids dont dodge bullets..." However, he is really a sweet man...a big teddy bear. I wish he could have been Ollies primary doc in ICU, but that's another rant I will leave rest for today. I had done some research on this guy in advance-he specializes in treatment of Autism and seizure disorders. He is known for using unconventional methods of treatment-imagine that. He uses FDA approved meds, but often they are made for other issues and he has seen them work for treating autism symptoms. He has a 15 year old step daughter with autism and a 13 year old son, who is normal. He not only is a highly respected professional with Sutter, but is a teacher with UCDavis and also works with the MIND institute (who denied Ollie-due to lack of capacity-they are slammed full). Anyway, it made me a little more excited to see him again, out of the ICU setting and have him all to myself for an hour.
Anyway, we started off with a regular exam. Ollie weighed in at 11 pounds 3 oz. Good weight gain. Small for his age-we'd expect around 14 ish-especially for my babies...but he's gaining and thriving and I love having one that stays in his 0-3 month clothes longer than two weeks. He's 22 and a quarter inches. I never write down head circumference, so those of you keeping track...lol...sorry! Anyway-all kinds of reflex tests and exams. Lots of questions. He was very gentle with Ollie which means alot to me. He kinda made me laugh talking in a baby speak voice and cooing at Ollie. It was such an awesome relaxing appt. Which was good-I needed the calm down. The results of the whole visit. "It sure seems that your son has dodged a huge bullet. We really honestly don't see this very often, it's really neat to see him and play with him and he's so normal." My eyes just welled with tears and I silently thanked God and all the powers that be, once again. He did mention that Ollie very well could show minor this's and that's as time goes on. But he looked so good that the doc doesn't really see the point in doing any more testing for now. Not unless some odd symptoms show up that we want to pinpoint and start treating.
We talked about immunizations. I flat out asked him about delaying them and to my absolute surprise he said yes. He told me which ones we should get and which we should delay. Many he said to put off until age two. The ones he recommends we do not wait for he said to get them at the end of the window. So if it says first shot between 2 and 4 months...to wait til four months. That felt so good to me. It was something I wanted to do anyway-no hit Ollie up with five shots containing up to 11 vaccines all at once. Having neurologist in that corner with me feels good. He ended our visit with giving me a schedule to wean Ollie off the phenobarb. He hasn't had any evidence of seizures and really doesn't need to be on prevention anymore. He gave me signs to watch for if Ollie is having a seizure. He said it'll be pretty obvious, not like when an newborn has a seizure and it's so subtle. Honestly I really don't think the one seizure on record at 8 hours old was really in fact a seizure. It was witnessed by only a nurse-and it was one episode and then he was slammed onto the max dose of phenobarb. But, who am I to argue. (what?!) Really, why risk it...so we've not fought the phenobarb. But it is a pain in the butt to get down the poor kiddo, so I'm glad to see it go-no more pumping and mixing and coaxing with a bottle. We were done!
So, until November-we left his office-with a normal baby.
That was Monday. By Tuesday night I was certain my angel was possessed. I hadn't slept hardly at all and Ollie was trying to tear the ears out of his head. Not to mention we are still fighting thrush. Tis an evil fungus it is. I reluctantly put in a call to the pediatrician. In all honesty, I think Ollie has been fighting ear infections a week or two. He really tugs on those ears. I have been just riding it out, as many times kids really don't need antibiotics...and with thrush...the last thing I want to do is systemically kill bacteria which are helping battle thrush. But, my already sleep deprived body was now desperate. The doc got us in first thing today (Wednesday). I was afraid. Afraid he'd push immunizations and circumcisions and give me crap about Ollies phenobarb like he did last time. But I was more afraid of losing yet another nights sleep.
The pediatrician that walked into the office this morning was not the man I saw five weeks ago. He was in body of course. But not in spirit. He was warm and friendly and ....he smiled. Perhaps it was I who was different. Having now seen many docs, regional referral coordinators, home health nurses, and developmental specialists...I have calmed down a bit. These people are less demanding and controlling than when your baby is "admitted" under their care. He's under my care. These people seem to at least acknowledge if not respect that. It also helps that Ollie is now nine weeks old. The last record in his chart is not fresh from ICU. It's a somewhat normal chart history.
So, anyway...Ollie has no ear infections. Yea...I was surprised. And he didn't see any symptoms of thrush on Ollie. The good news is Ollie seems to have found out how to grab his ears with those little hands. The bad news is...it doesn't feel so good and makes him cry. No thrush visible in Ollie is good...but doesn't remove the fact that it's on me-and we are still trying to fully get rid of it. It just hangs on. The pediatrician said this may be the case for a few months. Lovely. I keep taking my home remedies for it. Ollie doesn't seem to mind that part at all-it just makes me a bit sore. No talk of circumcisions, no talk of immunizations. "Your baby is normal, go home and nap." Also of note: our little Monkey gained 11oz in 48 hours and is tipping the scales toward 12 lbs already... All right! Did I mention smallness, and clothing fitting? Jinxed myself! We stopped by to see the Mammy (my mom) who works in the same building. She got a good 15 minute snuggle from Ollie and loads of hugs from the other kids. (thanks to Natalia who covered for her-sorry if I spelled the name wrong) They are such sweet ladies, it makes you wanna hang out in that office all day.
On the way home we stopped by a gently used childrens stuff store, and bought a little vibrating baby chair. Ollie seems to be in heaven this afternoon-and I can update my blog. Hopefully I can get a little sleep in tonight. Things a normal mama with a normal baby would wish for. I'll try and get more pics and an update in sooner this week ;) Take care all!
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Oliver this and Oliver that...so cute!
Okay first off~ Miss K~ I love my blanket with duckies!!! I grab it, and I snuggle into it...
I look at my duckies on the right side...
I look at my duckies on the left side...
I try real hard to look at mama...but...
I found another duckie....
I love my duckies so much, I coo at them til I fall asleep with my duckes. I really do love my duckies! Thank you Miss K :)
My mom wants you all to know I really have curly hair-yes, really, curly...
And, mom put me backwards in my sling yesterday...and I really liked it. I can look around and work on moving my arms and hands-my new favorite thing-fingers!!!
Wave Hello~!!
Mama's really proud of me. I am so amazing!
Other hand waves too! See ya later!
I look at my duckies on the right side...
I look at my duckies on the left side...
I try real hard to look at mama...but...
I found another duckie....
I love my duckies so much, I coo at them til I fall asleep with my duckes. I really do love my duckies! Thank you Miss K :)My mom wants you all to know I really have curly hair-yes, really, curly...
And, mom put me backwards in my sling yesterday...and I really liked it. I can look around and work on moving my arms and hands-my new favorite thing-fingers!!!
Wave Hello~!!
Mama's really proud of me. I am so amazing!
Other hand waves too! See ya later!Thursday, July 10, 2008
Massive baby pictures...and a video!!
Whew! I have been snapping away!!! Let's start with the fourth...Ollie was "slung" for our trip to the big fireworks display. He could care less about all the booming and blasting. Even the colors could not distract him from his one desire...mama creame de la cream. Quite the task I assure all nestled in this sling made of yards and yards of fabric. (It's twice as dark outside as what you see by the way)
I like the cute feet hanging out.
Switching sides.
Dad?! Do you mind? This is rated G! Shoo!
Hanging out, waiting for the show to start.
Over the weekend my once a year bloomin cactus bloomed. Tis a pretty big deal. It was kicked over and neglected all winter long...then repotted right before Ollie's birth. It's gotten very green and fat and now has shot off a beautiful bloom. The flower only lasts maybe 48 hours. Everyone gets excited...even the neighbor lady accross the street came to oogle. Ryan took pictures.
Have I mentioned it's hot? Hotter than...fill in the blank...and it's true. 110 degrees yesterday. People get grumpy in the heat...or maybe it's impending teenager-hood? None the less I promised him I would show the world his grumpy face.
Other's just get nekkie and sleep through the heat waves...
Hanging out with Daddy...
Hanging out with mama...(in the ugly blue after work chair that I am dying to get rid of but Will won't let me -just so you all know-lol)
The sleepy look, first thing in the morning.
Yes. That's my double chin. I like my food what can I say?
Kisses from Ryan.
So much to play with, so little time.
AND THE BEST PART!!! AT THE VERY BEGINNING OF THIS VIDEO-HE SMILES!
Playing peek a boo with Bradley...taken just this morning...I managed to get a video on here...woo hoo!
I like the cute feet hanging out.
Switching sides.
Dad?! Do you mind? This is rated G! Shoo!
Hanging out, waiting for the show to start.Over the weekend my once a year bloomin cactus bloomed. Tis a pretty big deal. It was kicked over and neglected all winter long...then repotted right before Ollie's birth. It's gotten very green and fat and now has shot off a beautiful bloom. The flower only lasts maybe 48 hours. Everyone gets excited...even the neighbor lady accross the street came to oogle. Ryan took pictures.
Have I mentioned it's hot? Hotter than...fill in the blank...and it's true. 110 degrees yesterday. People get grumpy in the heat...or maybe it's impending teenager-hood? None the less I promised him I would show the world his grumpy face.
Other's just get nekkie and sleep through the heat waves...
Hanging out with Daddy...
Hanging out with mama...(in the ugly blue after work chair that I am dying to get rid of but Will won't let me -just so you all know-lol)
The sleepy look, first thing in the morning.
Yes. That's my double chin. I like my food what can I say?
Kisses from Ryan.
So much to play with, so little time.AND THE BEST PART!!! AT THE VERY BEGINNING OF THIS VIDEO-HE SMILES!
Playing peek a boo with Bradley...taken just this morning...I managed to get a video on here...woo hoo!
Enjoy!
Monday, July 7, 2008
In the presence of Guardians.
I had the honor tonight of attending a "regional midwife peer review."Say what?! I guess several local midwives get together every other month. It's a closed meeting so they can discuss clients (not patients-but clients) without breaking confidentiality. They learn from eachother, tips and tricks. They learn about difficult pregnancies or births. They support and encourage, they examine and critique. There were 10 midwives there. One came all the way from Reno.
I'll admit I was a bit nervous. I guess in my head there was still an old image of "midwife." I had just gotten lucky, and the only modern ones lived in my neighborhood. At least I thought so. One by one these beautiful smiling faces came into the room. These women of strength dressed in soft linen skirts and cool breezy summer clothes. None of them had voodoo dolls. None of them had long hair held in place with bandannas. No one flashed the peace sign. A few were wearing Birkenstocks though. They passed around recipes of home made granola and fresh fruit ice cream. They smiled and hugged. Ollie slept peacefully on my chest. They talked of birth and babies. I was reminded of the strength of the Willow trees. Here I was, little me, clutching my baby to my chest, sitting in this room of...majesty. It really was a feeling to experience.
Finally things came to a start and the room fell silent. I had a moment of nervousness. I respect these women so much, it was more nerve racking to start out than if I were sitting in front of a board of neonatal neurosurgeons. (say that ten times fast) Nervous. Really. I think perhaps it's the human touch. Mainstream medical professionals make it a point to distance themselves. They do not get emotionally involved, they are trained not to. They do not cry with patients, they do rarely rejoice. Skeptical, steady, always professional. They do not share granola. (it was really good granola too by the way)
They wanted to know our story. My story. They wanted to know from my point of view what had happened. I told them to the best of my nervous ability what we had walked through. I wasn't sure what scope to focus on. The medical stuff, the emotional stuff. I felt like I sputtered all over the board. They all watched and listened. Silent and strong. I wondered what they were thinking, if they were making mental notes. What they would do in our situation. I know they were likely thinking "thank God it wasn't me," and sure some thought wow-as they knew the outcome was good-Ollie was in my arms after all. They asked me a couple questions and we watched a DVD put together by one of my midwives. (well really an "assistant" for the record...but she's one of the mw to me) It showed pictures from my labor all the way through til Ollie was 5 weeks old. We pointed out details of this and that-cord, and color-all the things the faithful blog followers have seen already...I'll spare the repeat story. We oogled and awed over the little miracle he is. A few more questions were asked and then I left.
They thanked me. I wish I would have said thank you back. They are such neat people to hang out with. Guardians. Like a strong Willow Tree left standing after a fierce storm, these women weather the storm of prejudices, pride and ignorance and guard the beauty of free birth. The right-of free birth. And yet, they blend in with the rest of the world just like you and I. These guardians. The weather so much and yet not only stay strong, but gentle, kind, and loving. It is as if you could not hurt them.
Once again I was ...I'm not sure there is a word. I don't become baffled anymore at these women, although it all still takes my breath away. I have come to expect the amazing things they do and represent. I wish I could describe to you the emotion in that room. It was serene. It was an environment of learning. It was so ...pure. I left there noticing the flowers and the little buzzing bees. I was recharged like after a really good church service, or a beautiful wedding. A room full of that kind of energy, of those kinds of women can do that to a person. It made me have faith that there are still places were serenity rules king over the chaos of life in this world. Children still run around barefoot eating ice cream in the front yard. Neighbors still talk to one another and bring eachother cookies. Drivers still yield out of courtesy. And random lawn mowing still occurs. There are places that are still safe. Safe. That is how it felt. Like there was hope for the world. That someone out there had not given up on that dream. No one there questioned our decisions. No one doubted our actions. We, I was embraced as a competent, caring, parent that went above and beyond for my baby. My faith, my belief in what I am doing and where I am going in all of this was restored and encouraged.
What an interesting way to end that chapter of my relationship with the midwives. We did my six week follow up right before the meeting. They've seen me every week really, but it was the "official" appointment. Ollie was up to 9lbs 14oz butt nekkie. My little mama milk addict is gaining weight perfectly. He wiggles all over on back and on tummy. He looks the midwife right in the eyes and coos at her-telling her his version of all this story telling 'bout life. He captivates people with his deep blue eyes. He says so much from such a little being. It feels good to watch him grow and thrive. He is such an amazing miracle. I still feel blessed beyond belief. I still feel supported. I still feel just baffled. Mostly I feel validated and honored.
And once again, but this time much less dramatically I walked through the land of the Willows and came out a little bit different. I feel something deep inside calling me. I do not know where it will go. I do know that somewhere in all of this I do fit in. I continue to seek where and how. This place is not somewhere you walk through and view and never look back. It calls to you. It beckons you back. I look forward to being in this place again. In the presence of the guardians who do not walk alone.
For tonight I scoop up my nearly 10 pounds of warm cuddles and we tip toe off to our bed. Good night my friends. Have happy dreams of barefoot kids...sprinklers and bicycles...
I'll admit I was a bit nervous. I guess in my head there was still an old image of "midwife." I had just gotten lucky, and the only modern ones lived in my neighborhood. At least I thought so. One by one these beautiful smiling faces came into the room. These women of strength dressed in soft linen skirts and cool breezy summer clothes. None of them had voodoo dolls. None of them had long hair held in place with bandannas. No one flashed the peace sign. A few were wearing Birkenstocks though. They passed around recipes of home made granola and fresh fruit ice cream. They smiled and hugged. Ollie slept peacefully on my chest. They talked of birth and babies. I was reminded of the strength of the Willow trees. Here I was, little me, clutching my baby to my chest, sitting in this room of...majesty. It really was a feeling to experience.
Finally things came to a start and the room fell silent. I had a moment of nervousness. I respect these women so much, it was more nerve racking to start out than if I were sitting in front of a board of neonatal neurosurgeons. (say that ten times fast) Nervous. Really. I think perhaps it's the human touch. Mainstream medical professionals make it a point to distance themselves. They do not get emotionally involved, they are trained not to. They do not cry with patients, they do rarely rejoice. Skeptical, steady, always professional. They do not share granola. (it was really good granola too by the way)
They wanted to know our story. My story. They wanted to know from my point of view what had happened. I told them to the best of my nervous ability what we had walked through. I wasn't sure what scope to focus on. The medical stuff, the emotional stuff. I felt like I sputtered all over the board. They all watched and listened. Silent and strong. I wondered what they were thinking, if they were making mental notes. What they would do in our situation. I know they were likely thinking "thank God it wasn't me," and sure some thought wow-as they knew the outcome was good-Ollie was in my arms after all. They asked me a couple questions and we watched a DVD put together by one of my midwives. (well really an "assistant" for the record...but she's one of the mw to me) It showed pictures from my labor all the way through til Ollie was 5 weeks old. We pointed out details of this and that-cord, and color-all the things the faithful blog followers have seen already...I'll spare the repeat story. We oogled and awed over the little miracle he is. A few more questions were asked and then I left.
They thanked me. I wish I would have said thank you back. They are such neat people to hang out with. Guardians. Like a strong Willow Tree left standing after a fierce storm, these women weather the storm of prejudices, pride and ignorance and guard the beauty of free birth. The right-of free birth. And yet, they blend in with the rest of the world just like you and I. These guardians. The weather so much and yet not only stay strong, but gentle, kind, and loving. It is as if you could not hurt them.
Once again I was ...I'm not sure there is a word. I don't become baffled anymore at these women, although it all still takes my breath away. I have come to expect the amazing things they do and represent. I wish I could describe to you the emotion in that room. It was serene. It was an environment of learning. It was so ...pure. I left there noticing the flowers and the little buzzing bees. I was recharged like after a really good church service, or a beautiful wedding. A room full of that kind of energy, of those kinds of women can do that to a person. It made me have faith that there are still places were serenity rules king over the chaos of life in this world. Children still run around barefoot eating ice cream in the front yard. Neighbors still talk to one another and bring eachother cookies. Drivers still yield out of courtesy. And random lawn mowing still occurs. There are places that are still safe. Safe. That is how it felt. Like there was hope for the world. That someone out there had not given up on that dream. No one there questioned our decisions. No one doubted our actions. We, I was embraced as a competent, caring, parent that went above and beyond for my baby. My faith, my belief in what I am doing and where I am going in all of this was restored and encouraged.
What an interesting way to end that chapter of my relationship with the midwives. We did my six week follow up right before the meeting. They've seen me every week really, but it was the "official" appointment. Ollie was up to 9lbs 14oz butt nekkie. My little mama milk addict is gaining weight perfectly. He wiggles all over on back and on tummy. He looks the midwife right in the eyes and coos at her-telling her his version of all this story telling 'bout life. He captivates people with his deep blue eyes. He says so much from such a little being. It feels good to watch him grow and thrive. He is such an amazing miracle. I still feel blessed beyond belief. I still feel supported. I still feel just baffled. Mostly I feel validated and honored.
And once again, but this time much less dramatically I walked through the land of the Willows and came out a little bit different. I feel something deep inside calling me. I do not know where it will go. I do know that somewhere in all of this I do fit in. I continue to seek where and how. This place is not somewhere you walk through and view and never look back. It calls to you. It beckons you back. I look forward to being in this place again. In the presence of the guardians who do not walk alone.
For tonight I scoop up my nearly 10 pounds of warm cuddles and we tip toe off to our bed. Good night my friends. Have happy dreams of barefoot kids...sprinklers and bicycles...
Friday, July 4, 2008
43 days
It's been 43 days since I walked through the hardest event of my life thus far. Well day one of it anyway. We've been home just over 3 weeks. Finally been home longer than we were in ICU. It feels good. Home. Real good.
Sooooo, what's up???
Yeah...they are underware...and pajamas. Apparently he and Will discovered this during my stay in ICU with Ollie. Tis quite the uproar when Ryan puts his outfit on and walks into a living room full of boys.
I am not the best photographer...and my hands are full...but more cute baby pics soon I promise! The under eye bruises are a whisper away from disappearing and the upper eyelid bruises are just soft rose colored and only visible during sleeping...nearly healed!
Sooooo, what's up???
Ryan is taking swimming lessons...
It's not the most glorious picture of Miss Nicole...but she is so sweet and positive with him. The completely wet head should indicate that by day 3 he is dunking himself underwater. He can't quite hold his own weight, even via dog paddling...but he gets the breath holding and is learning to LOVE the water...which is most important. The more he loves it, the more he'll get in it. The more exposure, the more learning. You get the point.
He has also mastered the complete spiderman outfit...and learned exactly how those huge slanty spiderman eyes were first created (at least we all think so)
Yeah...they are underware...and pajamas. Apparently he and Will discovered this during my stay in ICU with Ollie. Tis quite the uproar when Ryan puts his outfit on and walks into a living room full of boys. Other things Will has been doing...
Important conversations...
And lastly...cute baby!!!
I am not the best photographer...and my hands are full...but more cute baby pics soon I promise! The under eye bruises are a whisper away from disappearing and the upper eyelid bruises are just soft rose colored and only visible during sleeping...nearly healed!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)